Michael Walks into the office. He is the last one there, it is about 10 am. He looks awful. He is flushed and sweaty and is moving slowly.
Pam- Oh, Michael, you don’t look very good, are you sick?
Michael- No, Pam, I’m just tired I was out late at a comedy show. I haven’t even thrown up in the last 2 hours.
Pam- Michael, you should go home. I think you have the corona virus.
Michael- I wasn’t even drinking Corona’s, Pam. I was drinking Cosmos. So, there.
Jim tilts his head to the side and looks at the camera.
Michael- I’ll be in my office laying down. Ryan, bring me some soup.
Ryan looks at the camera in disbelief.
Cut to Toby coming out of the annex into the main work area. He quietly knocks on Michael’s door. In the background we see that accounting has fashioned masks out of rubber bands and coffee filters.
Michael- Who is it?
Toby- It’s Toby, Michael if you’re feeling sick, you need to go home.
Michael- You should go home- forever. Don’t come back.
Toby- Can you at least tell me your symptoms.
Michael- My ears are bleeding, and my head hurts, and I wish you didn’t exist.
Toby- Michael, this is really important.
Michael- Ugh, fine. I’m really cold but I’m sweating a lot and my whole-body hurts. *coughing noises* Can you see where Ryan is with that soup?
Toby- I think you have corona virus; I have to call the CDC.
Michael barges out of the office- looking worse than before.
Michael- You’re going to call the cowboy dance club?
Angela- Get back in your office!!!
Toby- Covering his mouth- No, the Center for Disease Control. Michael, you need to go back in there and close the door.
Michael- Fine, I was watching Ace Ventura anyways.
Stanley packs up his coat and starts to storm out there.
Stanley-Nuh uh, I am. Not getting corona. I am diabetic, with a weak heart, I do not need this too. Nuh uh, I am out of here.
Toby stops him. You can’t leave Stanley. We’ve all been exposed, we’re in quarantine now.
Stanley- I am not going to die because of his stupidity. Now either move aside, or I will move you.
Toby looks back at him with his baleful eyes.
Stanley pushes him to the floor and marches past him.
Michael emerges from his office again- Where is Stanley going? Is it pretzel day?
Everyone- Get back in your office!
Michael- FINE!!!
Cut ahead- 3 men in hazmat suits stand at the front of the office. There is caution tape over the main entrance
Hazmat Guy 1- We’re going to have to separate everyone until we can test you all. Everyone, leave this common area and go to one of the adjacent rooms with 1-3 other people.
Jim and Pam go towards the conference room. Dwight has donned his Sheriff uniform and stands near his desk.
Dwight- As sheriff deputy, I think I should help with the investigation.
Hazmat guy 2- this isn’t an investigation; we’re just separating everyone while we test so the virus doesn’t spread any farther.
Dwight- If someone with a weaker immune system than me has brought this virus into this office and poisoned Michael Gary Scott, I need to know about that as safety officer, sheriff deputy, and assistant regional manager.
Jim- You are none of those things.
Dwight- Shut up, you. You could be patient zero. You could have brought in this virus just to get off work.
Jim- Oh yeah Dwight. I contracted the virus, then brought it to a comedy show, then gave it to Michael just to get out of work. Sure.
He turns and heads to the conference room.
Pam whispers- “You didn’t do that right?”
Jim- No, I wish I had thought of that- Then smirks at the camera.
Hazmat guy- You too sir. Or we’re going to call the real cops and you’ll be charged with disobeying a federal officer.
Dwight’s eyes get wide and he eventually turns and follows Jim and Pam into the Conference room.
Cut to Michael’s office.
Hazmat guy- So, have you been to any gatherings lately?
Michael- Yes, I was at a comedy show last night.
Hazmat Guy- Who was performing?
Michael-Bob Hope. I got a great deal on the tickets. Front row only 16 bucks.
Hazmat Guy- but Bob Hope is dead
Michael- What? No, look, I still have the ticket stub. See, Bob Hope Impersonator Show at the Fox Theatre, Scranton.
Hazmat Guy- So, you went to see a Bob Hope Impersonator?
Michael- Oh, I was wondering why he didn’t do any impressions.
Hazmat Guy- Ok, so, when you were there, did you have any contact with anyone who didn’t seem well?
Michael- Well, there was one thing. Before the show I was talking to a woman, and we were having drinks, and I think she was over served, because she started throwing up in a plant and then ran out of the theatre.
Hazmat guy- Did you have any physical contact with her? Or is there any way she could have transmitted the virus
Michael- No, she was very clear about not wanting any physical contact. Like, almost insulting clear.
Hazmat guy- Are you absolutely sure that there was no transmission. Even just touching hands or using a drinking fountain after someone can be enough.
Michael- Well, after she left, I finished her cosmo.
Hazmat guy- Why would you do that?
Michael- It was 12 dollars a drink. You think that I am going to just waste a perfectly good cosmo?
Cut to the conference room. Dwight has been looking out the window into the desk area.
Dwight- I only need a second to sneak out and start my own investigation.
Jim- Your investigation into who infected Michael?
Dwight- No doy Jim. Someone out there is trying to infect all of us.
Pam- If you go out there, don’t you think that you’ll get infected?
Dwight- Uhhh, no, we Schrutes have a very strong immune system, Pam- Just then the hazmat guys go into the break room and Dwight sneaks through the door and sprints into Michaels office.
Jim and Pam are stunned.
Cut to the annex. We see Creed, Toby, and Meredith sitting in chairs. From the side we hear Kelly and Ryan fighting
Kelly- why can’t I ever sleep over?
Ryan- You know that I get up really early to work out.
Kelly- but you always say that you can’t hang out after work because you’re working out
Ryan- sometimes I work out after work too—he sounds very unconvincing
Kelly- If you work out so much how come you needed help moving that chair
Ryan- well that was a heavy chair.
Kelly- You aren’t strong at all, I bet you never work out.
Ryan- then why do you always call me when you get scared and ask me to come over and protect you?
Kelly- I’m sorry that I’m thinking about you and want to see you.
Toby and Meredith stare awkward and blankly ahead. Creed is looking around the room blissfully.
We then hear Kelly and Ryan becoming intimate
Cut to the conference room
Jim- you know what we should do?
Pam- what?
Jim- we should try to make Dwight think that we’ve escaped
Pam- laughs- oh my god yes.
Out in the main area, Dwight is rummaging through people’s desks and investigating all of the coats on the coat rack.
Pam- Isn’t that Michael’s coat that he’s got there?
Jim- yes. Yes it is. They laugh.
Dwight is smelling the coat.
Cut to the kitchen where Kevin and Angela are facing each other-
Kevin- Angela, come, on. There isn’t any more toilet paper in the men’s room. Just let me go in yours.
Angela- Absolutely not. I don’t want your disgusting body touching our toilets.
Kevin- I really have to go!
Angela- NO!!
Oscar- Angela, couldn’t you just go in there and get a roll and bring it out for Kevin to use in the men’s room?
Michael enters the room. He looks pale and queesy- Hey, what’s going on?
Everyone looks scared that Michael is in the room with them.
Kevin- We’re out of toilet paper and Angela won’t let me use their bathroom.
Michael-Oh, no, we’re out of toilet paper?
He looks extremely worried
Angela- you guys should have planned ahead. It’s your own fault.
Michael squirming now- Oh god, it’s coming. He runs into the bathroom.
Hazmat guy- What is going on in here?
Angela- Michael just went in there.
She points to the mens room. The hazmat guy grabs one of the chairs from the kitchen table and jams it under the door handle so that Michael can’t get out as we hear strange and worrisome sounds coming from the bathroom.
Angela, Oscar and Kevin leave and head out into the room with the vending machine while the Hazmat guy seems to start panicking.
Kevin is still uncomfortable. What am I supposed to do now?
Oscar- Quietly like he knows this isn’t going to end well for Kevin- I don’t know.
Cut to the conference room
Dwight re-enters and only sees the window open with a rope made of table cloths hanging from the window.
Dwight- Oh no. they’re broken containment-
He runs over to the window and begins lowering himself down the rope. He disappears from view and two seconds later we hear a scream followed by a loud crash. The rope has given out and Dwight has fallen onto Michael’s Sebring. He gets up and runs out of the parking lot yelling “Jim!! Jim has broken containment.”
The commotion is very loud and startles the whole office. Michael finally gets out of the bathroom and runs to the window in his office.
Michael- Oh, no, not my car.
He runs out of the office, straight into Hazmat guy 1. He knocks the guy over and continues running out of the office, tearing the caution tape down as he exits. He passes Kevin who is squatting over a garbage can.
Michael- Oh god Kevin.
Kevin- I really had to go
The hazmat guys chase Michael down the stairs, tripping and falling over their suits.
Michael exits the building and sprints out of the parking lot after Dwight with the Hazmat guys on his heels.
Jim and Pam are watching from the conference room after emerging from a cabinet where they were hiding. They are both in disbelief but after the hazmat guy turns the corner, they face each other. They are both smiling and looking deeply into each other’s eyes.
Suddenly Oscar pops his head around the door way
Oscar- We’re all going to go to Poor Richards for a drink, do you want to come?
It snaps Jim and Pam out of their trance.
Jim- looking a little flustered- yeah, I’ll see you there.
Cut to the parking lot- Jim is in his car, he looks out the front window at Pam and Roy leaving the building together. He drops his head and drives away. As he is leaving, Pam glances his way and smiles a little bit.
Michael on Skype- They always say that laughter is the best medicine, but in this case I got corona virus at a comedy show. So, you tell me who the joke was on?
Dwight pops his head up on screen- Do you want another pancake Michael?
At least Dwight is here. It’s nice to have a friend with me. Maybe that’s what we need to remember during this time- to be nice to each other. Then again, Dwight got infected because he sniffed my coat and went through all my things. So maybe friendship isn’t the best medicine either.